Lately their has been some static in my thoughts nothing to worry about just some existential conflict of the mind nothing that a strong stiff drought of the senses can’t handle for you see I have recently received a harsh and direct shot of possibly passable reality to my solid set mind which has led me to question my newly found drive for being in the form of an unintended verbal assault on my perception and sensibilities to thought alas to my dismay i could only come to my own defence by the means of comedy.
I would like to thank my parents for they gave me the biggest gift, poverty, and i want to thank them for the rest of my life, thank you.
Comedy is acting out optimism.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
If you can remember the '60s, you weren't there.
I have my morning coffee for two reasons. One, to kick start my brain, but number two, and more importantly, to jump start my colon.
I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole.”
What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.
There's a syndrome called "restless leg syndrome". What the fuck is that, a tendency to break out into Riverdance?
Inside of you, there's a fashion model just waiting to throw up.
They say there's no global warming. But right now the North Pole is a pool. It is beyond global warming. At this point it's cooking.
Okra is the closest thing to nylon I`ve ever eaten. It`s like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.
I'm a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge.
Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students.
